Below are some of the things that are shunned in conversations and most people get married without being aware of them. When situations mentioned below arise, unawareness of what they are and what to do to resolve them leads many couples to either do nothing or do more harm than good to their relationship. Misinformation leads people to take counterproductive actions and marriage and committed relationships are not exempt from this.
I understand that most of what’s presented in this article would go against the “conventional wisdom.” To anyone who is willing to apply at least the minimum of critical thinking it will be obvious that reality (well supported by statistics) doesn’t support what’s been espoused for decades. In instances like this there are only two options – either adjust your understanding to match the evidence or to continue ignoring what’s evident from experience and to suffer the consequences while continuing to delude yourself.
Women and men need to enter their marriages with the same knowledge about their sexuality or they’re going to continue to make lifelong commitments based on illusions and moments of desire only to later break those commitments for the very same reasons.
It’s easier to be responsible when you are informed. This is the goal for this article.
It’s a myth that women are naturally monogamous.
To anyone younger than 35 this notion is either self-evident or they are at least remotely aware of this. Although growing up this misinformation is still presented to both men and women, by the late teens and in rare cases mid twenties no one in the current generation would be surprised by this statement. It may or may not be true that women desire fewer sexual partners over their lifetime, but there’s clear evidence that more or less, women naturally are far from monogamous. More monogamous does not mean monogamous.
Keeping this expectation on women’s and men’s part when entering marriage or a committed relationship and believing that a logical agreement is going to change natural inclination is a recipe for a failed relationship just a few months or years ahead. Society makes it difficult for women to make a conscious decision about entering a long-term committed relationship, let alone fidelity.
We teach girls that they are naturally monogamous and as a result many women end up denying and/or suppressing their natural sexual desires in order to get married. We entice girls with romantic notions surrounding meeting the right man, getting married, having kids and living happily ever after. This belief is the cause of many women’s high and unrealistic expectation for their marriage. We teach young men that marriage means loss of freedom, loss of sexual partners and something they would want to postpone as far as possible.
The women are set up for a let-down: it just isn’t as wonderful as they thought it was going to be. For men marriage often end up being much better than they thought; they expected it to suck.
Men have nowhere to go but up and women have nowhere to go but down due to their preconceived expectations.
Most women think they want to get married.
Women have always been taught that marriage is the goal. That’s why men can’t make women happy, because they don’t know what the hell they want.
The number one priority for a man about to get married is to make sure that the woman is keenly aware of her natural inclination and that she is giving it up as a conscious choice. This might not be a pleasant conversation but it definitely beats the alternative of not having this handled and joining the divorced half of the population.
70%-75% of divorces in the US are filed by women.
Most people probably aren’t even aware that it is women, not men, who are most likely to leave their marriages. With about 50% of the marriages resulting in divorce, not counting the ones which are reconciled regardless of infidelity or separation this behavior is not an anomaly – it is the norm. Out of every married couple, there is a 35% chance that the woman will file for divorce and 15% chance that a man will.
Books are still written on how to get, or keep, a man. Yet women leave men the majority of the time.
Women need to seek excitement in some way other than trying to get men to commit to them.
Women seek to find men who are sensitive, faithful and successful and many are succeeding. The problem is, once a woman realizes that she has found and attained what she was looking for she may become bored as shit. What the hell do you do after you have obtained everything you ever wanted? Compared to the importance of finding the right man and getting married, everything else in life pales by comparison. Bored women are bound to seek excitement in the form of another chase – usually another man.
Marriage doesn’t mean you’re done growing and you can slack off.
Females never give males any indication that they are anything less than 100 percent faithful. Females just think males should know that when they say, “I would never cheat on you,” what they really mean is, “I would never cheat on you as long as you don’t piss me off too bad or as long as you don’t piss me off too many times and as long as you make me happy and I don’t get bored.” Females think males should just know this about them—it should be a given. Actually, this should be a given for both men and women.
To avoid this “boredom” from becoming an issue make sure to not become boring and predictable and to become aware if the woman you’re about to marry has any other exciting besides chasing commitment for sport.
Any ambivalent “unhappiness” expressed by your woman is a sign that she is getting ready to move on. Sure, you can’t control others’ actions but standing by as your marriage goes from good to not so good to “I’m not happy” to separation and eventually divorce doesn’t have to be an option. The solution is to give your woman an ultimatum and force her to choose.
If you keep pretending that nothing is wrong and continues to grovel for her affection. Women have no respect for men who cower from them. In fact, women are actually quite cruel to men who do.
Make an effort where it counts – in the sack.
Women’s repulsion toward sex in general or marital sex in particular, is due to continued sexual encounters with their husbands or boyfriends in the absence of sexual pleasure or occasional sexual satisfaction. In short, if the sex is bad people tend to seek sex elsewhere.
Women seem to prefer more sex per episode than men while men seek sex more often. This simple understanding would eliminate many of the arguments which result because of varied sex drive between partners. Spend time with your woman: that’s what women like—two or more hours of complete and undivided physical and emotional attention. This is what probably attracted her to you in the first place, and what makes affairs so addictive.
Women believe that “someone” can make them happy.
Men don’t tend to be quite as delusional in that respect. Of course there are exceptions but men, for the most part, know that being happy is no one’s responsibility but their own. Clearing this up early in your relationship and reminding your woman about it will save the bad relationship from being blamed on big, bad man and also empower women to address any inequalities they perceive as they arise. Men get riled, blow up and then they’re done with it. Women get angry, pretend they’re not, and then one day explode. And even after they explode they remain angry.
Contribution isn’t the foundation of the marriage.
Men who marry women who used giving-without-receiving as a means to get the men to commit can expect to be cheated on or divorced by those women. The red flag to look for is when an educated and intelligent person who has interests and ambitions all of a sudden stops expressing their needs and wants when this might jeopardize their relationship. Make it clear that you’re in love and marrying your woman (or man) not because they wash dishes, take out the garbage or cook dinner. It’s also a mistake to marry someone based primarily on their social class, education, income potential or professional prestige. It might be a factor in whom you marry but it shouldn’t be the factor.
Stay vigilant.
Guys seem to think that a hundred or so women roam the planet providing recreational sex to millions of men. One man’s good girl just might be another man’s bad girl. People need to be 100% secure in their primary relationship to cheat – so the solution is then to keep them happy but aware that while your love is unconditional, your decision to stay with your partner in a committed sexual relationship isn’t unconditional.
Results are highly correlated with effort.
Do not accept anything less than your partner’s whole-hearted effort. If your relationship hits a few bumps along the road (which is certain), take any lack of working on the relationship until it’s on the way out as a sign of disinterest. If your partner will agree to counseling or couples therapy only after the shit hits the fan it’s safe to say they aren’t really interested in working on the relationship and are just fishing for ways to feel better about why it didn’t work out in the first place.
The nicest thing you can do for others is to give them your undivided attention.
The interactions of many couples consist of nothing more than conversations about what to do and what to buy; this is not what relationships are all about. The goal of relationships should be mutual fulfillment, not duration. Otherwise our marital relationships will continue being reduced to little more than endurance tests. As it stands now, people feel proud of themselves when they can stick it out, regardless of how miserable they are.
Maintain unconditional love.
This is a highly charged topic, but it is the most important one. Failure to get this right can be seen as the root cause for the demise of virtually all committed relationships – for married and not married couples alike.
Marital love is highly conditional, which makes marriage the most potentially deceitful relationship we can have. The second most deceitful is the parent-child relationship. Parents often threaten to withdraw their affection if the children don’t meet certain expectations. Husbands and wives use similar threats.
The trouble with this isn’t that unconditional love in some circumstances is not appropriate – it’s that it provides an open and safe space to resolve any issues or concerns that might affect the relationship negatively if not brought up in the open.
Read between the lines.
When a woman says, “I’m not happy,” what she really means is, “I’m bored, and/or horny.” And when a woman follows up with, “I think we should separate,” what she really means is, “I’m sleeping with somebody else,” or “I want to sleep with somebody else.”
Don’t marry a woman before she is 30 (or close to 30)
The peak time of divorce for women is while they are in their late twenties and early thirties after an average of four years of marriage.
Women who marry in their mid-twenties can experience a biological double-whammy—hitting their sexual prime coupled with the natural waning of sexual desire for their partner. However, these are just the biological factors. From a psychological standpoint, many women also get hit twice—first by the letdown the occurs when marriage fails to meet their unrealistic expectations, and second by a fear of getting older, which many women experience as they approach thirty. Thirty for women is the 40 for men. This is when they get more independent, get a young boyfriend and upgrade their career from dinners and diapers to middle management.
Infidelity is just as common among women as men.
In women’s mind, you are the right guy until someone else comes along and then he is the right guy. This doesn’t change based on whether they are married or not. Being aware of this will allow both men and women to put forth appropriate effort to make their relationships happy and with some work lasting. The difference between men who cheat on their wives and women who cheat on their husbands is, men are likely to blame their infidelity on a powerful sex drive while women are likely to blame their infidelity on the husband. In addition, women’s lack of knowledge about their sexual inclination makes them a lot more likely to leave their marriages than men, due to their sexual attractions and affairs which result due to the desires they misunderstand, and desire which conflict with their self image as a “good wife” and “good monogamous wife.”
